To the Glory of God

As our struggle to start a family stretched on, I began to feel lonely and isolated. I craved community, but knew no one at first that shared my burden, and was too afraid to speak out myself. With childlessness and its causes such a taboo subject, it was difficult for me to find an empathetic ear to encourage and direct me. While I had no one I could sit down and talk to, I hoped the many childless women in the Bible could help make sense of my situation. Continue reading

Unthankful

This past Sunday I was feeling the familiar weight of sadness and anger heavy on my heart. I put things in front of me to distract myself from the feelings, but this anger towards God over my difficulty to have children sat there still, stewing under the surface.

During our Sunday evening service, we have a time of prayer and praise where people can share their needs and thanks. A dear friend that was recently diagnosed with cancer was there that night. She has been undergoing chemotherapy and has often had to miss church. But that evening she raised her hand and said “I’m thankful that I got to go to church twice today.” In the midst of her pain and struggle, she was intentional about recognizing the goodness God has shown towards her. And I realized what an ungrateful wretch I am. Continue reading

Questions and Answers

The question “Why?” has loomed large in my mind for years now. At every turn in our path, it pops up and I demand answers from God. Why has He not allowed us to have children? Why has He frustrated our adoption process? Why has He provided so many baby items but no child? Why does He give others so many children but not give us just one? Why does He let this painful struggle continue when He could so easily fix it?

If only God would give me answers maybe the pain would be bearable. But my thoughts always come back to the truth that I may never have children and I may never know why. And I don’t like that. I need to understand. I need to know the reason. I need God to explain Himself to me, to justify why I must endure these difficulties.

But I don’t always get answers. And God is not obligated to give them. Continue reading

My Portion

A lot of my life has been spent hoping and waiting – for college, for marriage, for my husband to finish seminary, for a church to call him, for children. I hope for something, and then I wait.

Some of those times seem never-ending, like starting a family. We hope for children, but month after month my husband and I have waited with nothing to show but disappointment. We hope to adopt, and after waiting through the long approval process, we have continued to wait for that fateful phone call saying there is a child for us.

We are still hoping and waiting to be parents. Continue reading

Hope in the Morning

 

hope in the morningBen and I have been married for a little over six years now, and we often get the question “When will you have kids?” We actually decided just a few years into our marriage we were ready to have children. It was exciting, and we were optimistic about our future brood. But as the months passed and nothing happened, my hope began to wane. Though it wasn’t our initial plan, we had always wanted to adopt; if kids weren’t happening naturally, we figured we might as well start the adoption process – another hope met with disappointment as we encountered various frustrations and delays.

As we pursued parenthood, the months turned to years. The repetitive tide of disappointment assailing my heart month after month slowly wore away the hope, leaving me with a rotten mess of vicious anger and soul-gripping depression. Continue reading