The Road So Far

It has been a long year. Back in May I shared that we began the process of embryo adoption with the National Embryo Donation Center in Knoxville, TN. On November 15, we travelled to Knoxville and I received an amazing birthday present, one I thought for so long impossible – I became a mom. Just these last few weeks have been nerve-wracking with many emotional highs and lows, joys and fears. And a long path still lies before us, full of unknowns. But the Lord knows, He hears us and He cares for us. And as we pray, we pray that above all else God would be glorified through this journey.

Below is Ben’s summary of the process to date. We appreciate all your prayers. Continue reading

Daily Dependence

dependence

When I was growing up, sometimes I would hear a sermon at church that was just the basic Gospel message: We are sinners, rebellious towards our holy God, but Jesus made a way for us to come back to God if we turn to Him in faith and repentance. I would think to myself, “That’s all good and well for those people in the room that don’t know Jesus, but what about those of us that are already Christians? What am I supposed to get from this sermon? I need practical ways of how I’m supposed to stop sinning and be a better Christian.”

I often think that after I believe the Gospel once, I don’t need it anymore. God did His work, now it’s my turn; it’s my responsibility to be obedient to the laws God gives in Scripture. But no matter how hard I try to change myself, I fail. Again and again and again. Because I need the Gospel just as much today as I did on the day I first believed. Continue reading

Not To Us

Sunday was my husband’s ordination service. He is now a pastor in the PCA.

ordination

It was a long road to get here – four years of seminary and three grueling years of exams. And I, for one, did not bear it well. I spent the years complaining in self-righteous resentment, angry that God was not following my plan for our life. I doubted He was doing what was best for us. How could something so difficult and painful be good for us? Why wouldn’t He just give me what I wanted? Continue reading

Dealing With Unfulfilled Desires

desiresI have had a desire for children for as long as I can remember, hoping that my lot in life would be as a mother. Over the course of the past few years, though, I have come to terms with the fact that it may never happen. One difficult aspect of this situation is that my longing for children does not go away just because it has not been fulfilled. On top of that, discerning how to handle persistent unfulfilled desires can be confusing and complicated. My husband and I have been told that as long as we have the desire for children, we can—we must, even—pursue its satisfaction, and we can rightfully expect God to deliver. Doesn’t Scripture say as much?

“Delight yourself in the Lord,
and He will give you the desires of your heart.” 

Psalm 37:4

Continue reading

Anxiety and Rest

anxiety sparrow

This week I’ve been dealing with my yearly sinus troubles. I usually try to fight through it by taking cold medicine and vitamin C packs without stopping my normal schedule. And every year, I eventually can’t stand it anymore and have to go to the doctor and take a day to rest. It drives me crazy to be at home, forced into inactivity. My tendency to define myself by my works causes me great anxiety when I am incapacitated. There are dishes that need to be washed, meals that need to be made, chores that need to be done. And on top of that, I fret over the money I won’t earn with a missed day of work. What will we eat? When will I have time to play catch up? Will we make our monthly budget?

Practically, I live as if the world will fall apart if I stop for one day. I fail to believe that God will care for me and think I must do it myself. Continue reading

Right Contentment

Tonight my husband will go again for examination for ordination – what we hope and pray will be the end of a two and a half year ordeal. For weeks my mind has flitted between the impending joy of this trial ending, and the possible disappointment if it continues. Particularly, I have wondered how I will handle either of these outcomes. As the day has drawn closer, one quote has repeatedly come to my mind from an article by Sinclair Ferguson entitled “Our New Affection.”

Reflecting on the passage in Philippians 4 where Paul says he has learned to be content in any situation, Ferguson says, “Only when our Christ is big enough to satisfy us can we be content no matter our particular circumstances; more than that, satisfied with the circumstances and not merely despite the circumstances.” Continue reading

God’s Faithfulness

As I sit at the cusp of this new year, I must admit, I look at 2016 with a sense of dread. The year past has been difficult, and I fear nothing will change in the year ahead. I feel defeated before the clock has even struck midnight.

I feel this hopelessness because I forget God’s faithfulness in my past, and so I doubt it in the future. I grow discontent and angry with Him over what I do not have and what He is not doing in my life, all the while forgetting what He has already done and what He has already given me. Continue reading

My Portion

A lot of my life has been spent hoping and waiting – for college, for marriage, for my husband to finish seminary, for a church to call him, for children. I hope for something, and then I wait.

Some of those times seem never-ending, like starting a family. We hope for children, but month after month my husband and I have waited with nothing to show but disappointment. We hope to adopt, and after waiting through the long approval process, we have continued to wait for that fateful phone call saying there is a child for us.

We are still hoping and waiting to be parents. Continue reading